Why I’m Here: Amanda

I have always wanted to be a writer of some kind. I feel like I have something to share– some kind of wisdom or something. Writing has really come easily to me for the most part, especially when it came to school. But this is different. This is more real. Raw. Vulnerable.

For years I’ve had a silly blog that eventually just became a place for me to post random thoughts, questions, and complaints. It was originally created be an outlet as I began life as a 22 year old wife. Even with my great intentions, the blog slowly morphed into a mix between Facebook and Instagram for me– some pictures and some annoying updates. Rarely was I doing what would be considered writing. I scratched the surface of what was within but was unable to break through. I still had this desire in me to produce something more; something worth reading. Even more than that, something that was actually worth sharing.

Two years later I started a Blogger blog. Of course I was super excited at first– I had very high expectations for the quality of posts that I would produce and how often I would write. I would spend time daydreaming of topics and how much my words would impact others. What I thought was the best writing I had ever let flow through my fingertips fell on deaf ears– I received very little attention and my posts became sporadic until I eventually just stopped posting all together.

Fast forward to January 2018. New Year’s Resolution time. I resolved to write. I’m 28, for goodness sakes, I thought to myself. If I don’t start now, will I ever? One post a week. That was my goal. I could manage one post a week, right? I told Michael my plans, in hopes that he would hold me accountable. I shared my dreams for having a blog and maybe one day writing a book. Secretly I questioned myself at every turn. What do I even write about? Who will read it? Am I even qualified to talk about this stuff??? I’ve only been a mom for a few months! Man, the Devil sure does try to kill good dreams, am I right?

Fast forward a little more– I applied for a “job” writing micro essays for a different blog. I say “job” because it wasn’t a paid spot… I guess more like an internship? While talking with Kailyn, who also applied, I said, “Why don’t we just start our own blog?” It was sudden. I’d never even really thought about collaborating with someone. I just spit out this request before really thinking and, to my surprise, she said yes!

Slowly, my dreams are coming true. It is so much more work than I realized and we are just getting started. I feel this weird, nervous energy. I’m nervous about so many things– failing, not being noticed, not keeping up. I have numerous what ifs floating around in my brain. The doubts, fears, and questions are never ending. The uncertainty of this giant leap is terrifying.

The resolution to commit to real blogging came with an additional resolution of its own: don’t allow fear hold me back from reaching my dream. I am going for my dream; working towards this goal that has always seemed to be just out of reach. This abstract thing that I always thought I didn’t really have the talent or qualifications to do. Thanks to Kailyn’s willingness to jump in feet first, I am pushing past the fear, questions, and doubts to share my story. The uncertainty is scary but also exhilarating. I will channel this nervous energy churning in my body to create. Maybe another mom will read my words and find comfort and solidarity as we continue down this winding road of motherhood. We could reach millions or we could fizzle in a year. Regardless of the outcome, I am stepping out in faith and pushing my fears aside. I will pursue this dream and be grateful for every twist and turn of this amazing opportunity.Wesley (newborn)-0081.jpg

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